I am Perfectly Imperfect, & So Are You
Young & Flawed; Older & Flawed, That’s All of Us
Some months ago I sat exactly where I’m sitting now. Back then, I sat with a few silently talkative tears rolling down my cheeks. They told me what I need to work on and change. And what needed changing then was me.
Today, it’s still me.
I used to be young and flawed. A college colleague recently used that term to describe his first-year school in China. When I read that expression, I resumed my regular contemplations about my perfectly imperfect human state.
Now, I’m merely older and still flawed.
My months-ago situation was a reminder of the fact that the only control I possess is control of self and the ongoing choice to further my own evolution. I just cannot change others. But in the process of transformation, I have to make multiple decisions about the parts of me that I will actively work on and the parts of me that are fixed and non-negotiable.
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Each of us has a contract with life and living. The terms of the agreement are many. One fundamental contractual clause is to change and grow continually.
Hopefully, as we do change and grow, we are evolving positively, humanly, morally, and in every positive way that we can. I want to say that many choose the opposite type of growth, but then I’d be judging and I don’t want to go down that road.
The roads we choose and keep re-choosing are those that should lead to fewer flaws in our beings. We’ll never get to flawlessness, will we? But how much should we travel the paths to becoming “better” humans, increasing self-awareness and empathy, knowing and expanding our personal capacities, and setting out to nurture ourselves and others? To what degree should our thoughts and actions promote humanity and humanization?
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How do we connect with our human imperfections and evolve?
1. Acknowledge and accept personal flaws. I have so many of those I can’t count them all. But acknowledgment and acceptance are the first steps on the road to change.
2. Develop soul-searching techniques and self-awareness. Discover how to tap into our souls, guts, and spirits so that we increasingly make positive change choices for ourselves.
3. Pay attention to the heart while using logical systems to evaluate the many moral decisions we make each day, both short-term and long-term ones. Practice using these systems until they become automatic.
4. In times of difficulty, take active measures to nurture ourselves. During suffering and stress, we need more self-care. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it works. The extra self-care helps to prevent the brain from becoming illogical and judgmental, and the heart from becoming heavy and hateful. Instead, it helps us to peer deep within ourselves and engage in the required internal change-work upon which the difficulties shone a light.
5. Accept and learn from the pitfalls. Embrace them for the teachings for tomorrow that they want to unfold.
6. Know when to do less and be more. Exactly. At times, it is better to do less and just be. Be more. Exist in the moment. In the present. In connection with our own hearts, minds, and spirits.
7. Choose courage. As silly as it seems, valor is a choice. We go forth with trepidation and trembling but emerge with growth and overcoming. We may not even see the latter, but others benefit from the living example, no matter the outcome. It is the step of faith that counts.
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How do we connect with others’ and foster our mutual humanization journeys?
1. Understand that humanization is the recognition of the human qualities of others and responding to others in humane ways. This means rejecting negative stereotypes, encouraging dialogue, seeking commonalities, promoting empathy, and educating others. Understand that humanity crosses race, enemy lines, and all divisions. It means expanding one’s moral settings to see humans as humans despite any superficial variations.
2. Recognize too that carrying out the above is easier said than done. However, purposeful choice making and little steps in this direction by many of us can create a wave of change that might even become tidal.
3. Walk your talk. When our actions match our words, we encourage others to do the same. The more of us on a humane flow, the more we can positively impact ourselves, others, and our culture.
4. Practice non-judgmental listening and acknowledgment. Be a safe space where others can speak their personal truths, and accept those disclosures for what they are. We don’t have to agree with the truths but we must recognize and accept them for what they are.
5. Respect, and appreciate others. Spouses, partners, children, family, friends, bosses, subordinates, and strangers all want to be respected, and appreciated as individuals. It is possible to show respect, even if we do not respect others’ choices and actions.
6. Forgive. In understanding that we are all flawed, we must forgive if we are to grow and change together.
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Being human is not optional for us. Connecting with others is not something that can be ignored. We are hardwired to relate with others. We are given mouths for communicating, hearts for feeling, and minds for thinking. We already have the necessary tools to connect with others and to encourage our mutually flawed humanization journeys.
But being perfect is an impossibility. It indeed is for me.
We can, however, continually become more perfectly imperfect. Our imperfections are not tied to our external differences. Our flaws are sewn into our minds through socialization, experience, and flawed thinking. However, we can progressively rip those flaws out at the seams over time. It’s the most painstaking and time-consuming work but being in a constant state of self-alteration is not a bad thing.
Or, we can become more imperfectly perfect. Every change in ourselves we purpose to make and accomplish, regardless of how small is the degree, is an accomplishment.
Either way, we are all on this journey together. Even as I think about what I consider as the declining moral state of our county, I am always reminded to look within and examine my own flaws and imperfections. What if I served in a leadership or official capacity, would I stand perfect before millions of people, or would the public forum shine the light on how utterly perfect my imperfections are?
